Since time immemorial, the Intellectual Aristocracy has found it difficult, and at times oxymoronic, to relate to the common man. But every March the National Collegiate Athletic Association’s men’s basketball tournament (colloquially referred to as “March Madness”) takes place, an underutilized act and scene in America’s cognitive-disparity-themed closet drama. The first weekend of this season’s tournament offered an ideal opportunity for intellectual aristocrats to engage common sports fans on a level they can understand, and below you will find numerous suggestions should you wish to spectate weekend two — should you wish to replace your tweed jacket with a hooded sweatshirt and patronize a neighborhood drinking establishment to watch collegiate basketball while sipping on an adult beverage.
West Region
First and foremost: common fans clamor for upsets the way Stephen Sondheim enthusiasts clamor for revivals of Sunday in the Park with George. By definition, an NCAA tournament cannot be “motherfucking badass” unless a certain number, x, of upsets occur (our scientists are hard at work determining what the x in that equation is equal to, but in 2010 the # of upsets > x). Because of their high improbability, common fans of intercollegiate basketball view the upset as a metaphor for their own lives, for the awe-inspiring capacity of the collective spirit. If a group of Racers from Murray State can defeat the almighty Commodores of Vanderbilt in round one of the tournament, what preposterous fantasy of the human brain isn’t possible? Go out of your way to make this connection, your bar mates will appreciate the transparency you deliver with each sentence, and will probably invite you to join their party (or at least raise their pint glasses on your behalf).
In addition to providing upset exegesis, in order to assimilate into the temporary subculture of whatever drinking establishment you’ve chosen to cross your legs in, remember that collegiate basketball fans carry an affinity for white players whose names foreshadow their future as insurance salesmen. These players are often recognizable by the white t-shirt they wear beneath their sleeveless jersey, or their innate ability to shoot and make three-point baskets. Collegiate basketball fans also carry an even more vigorous affinity for teams who primarily consist of this type of basketball player, and there were no shortage of such teams in the West Region. Gonzaga, Butler, BYU and Vermont are all teams with a history of both (a) success in the NCAA tournament and (b) predominant whiteness. Although only Butler remains, you can bemoan the early exits of aforementioned teams, even to go as far as to say that the tournament “just isn’t the same without Jimmer Fredette.”
Midwest Region
After perusing the remaining universities in the Midwest, do not resist your urge to compare the teams in the region, and the results of the first weekend, to English poets of the late 18th century. In most drinking establishments, nothing facilitates discussion better than metaphor. Highly ranked Ohio State plays the role of Lord Byron, a dominant team with an affable public face — many pundits consider a Buckeye named Turner Evan to be the finest collegiate basketball athlete in America — but also a team with recurring minor flaws. Kansas, the region’s #1 seed, lost in dramatic fashion to Northern Iowa, and in doing so immediately became the John Keats of the 2010 Midwest Region: undeniable talent departed too soon. It would be prudent of you to spend a commercial break talking about how Michigan State’s potential return to Indianapolis for the Final Four, just weeks after playing the Big Ten Conference Championship Tournament in Indianapolis, resembles one of Wordsworth’s famous descriptive-meditative poems.
Look out, though! A man seated at an adjacent bar stool may attempt to glean some of your intellect by engaging you in a ritualistic high five.
Although you will be situated amidst other non-intellectual males in a large drinking hall — most likely some variety of sports bar — the collegiate men’s basketball tournament is the one sporting event where it is perfectly acceptable to comment on the color scheme of a university’s uniforms, especially if a team’s poor performance can be attributed to the colors they are wearing. For instance, after a team scores via consecutive, effortless layups, it would be prudent for you to remark: No wonder the Michigan State Spartans were able to elude the full court pressure so easily; Northern Iowa University’s purple uniforms are a bit faggy.
East Region
Familiarize yourself with the name John Wall prior to committing to any conversation. His name will come up many times throughout the day — in the bar, on the television. Like nearly everything else on this planet, there is indeed a mathematical relationship between the number of times his name is spoken on television and his ability to out-maneuver other players on the basketball floor. Keep this in the back of your mind and apply it as necessary.
Though the group of gentlemen sitting at a large table in the corner of the bar consuming beer from a tall, tower-esque container may not seem outgoing, attempt to garner their attention with humor. For instance, any mention of ESPN analyst Jay Bilas should be accompanied by a quip regarding his propensity for bathing in the soiled undergarments of Cornell’s basketball team. They will rejoice and embrace you as one of their own.
One person, however, might remain skeptical of your ability to outsmart anyone within a seven mile radius. He will begin to question your authority by asking you to regurgitate trivial statistics, such as the points-per-game of each of the starting players representing Cornell University. In order to pass this Commoner Test, dodge the question and attack him where he is most vulnerable. “Good sir,” you might say, “any male who can accurately respond to such a specific query about the Cornell University’s men’s basketball program clearly has not participated in the joyful experience of sexual intercourse in quite some time.”
South Region
Collegiate basketball is a sport many different people enjoy, and one of the characteristics that unite these fans beneath the collegiate basketball umbrella is their collective love of tempo-free efficiency metrics. Ken Pomeroy calculates some of the world’s best tempo-free efficiency metrics on his website. We implore you, study this data before you enter yon drinking establishment. That way, when a Baylor Bear slam dunks the basketball after retrieving his teammate’s missed shot, you can begin your discourse with this argument: Well, what did you expect to happen with an offensive rebounding percentage of 37.6 percent — twenty ninth in the National Collegiate Athletic Association.
That way, when the Purdue Boilermakers jump out to an early lead on the Duke Blue Devils, you can hypothesize: After a larger sample size of possessions play out, the Duke Blue Devils will almost certainly usurp the Purdue Boilermakers — the probability of Purdue’s Equivalent Field Goal percentage remaining eighteen percentage points above their season average is very low, and thus, I expect them to regress in the second half.
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There is no reason to be cavalier — the strategies outlined above are battle tested. Either accept the theorems as absolute, or risk losing your cover as an easy-going, non-intellectual person who simply wants to “throw back some brews and watch people hooping.”
